sharing the gift

Note: This was written last year on December 26 after I read "The 13th Day of Christmas" by Jason F. Wright, but has finally been publicly published for your enjoyment. Hopefully this will clear any confusion over the dates (when I say it's the 26th of December when it most obviously is not) and you won't think I'm a very confused person who needs to look at a calendar.

Dear [insert name here],

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle. 

One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.

And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself. 

In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?

Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer. 

I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.

Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.

I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them.  I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism. 

There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.

I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.


xoxo, Kimberly

shattered

it was a cloisonne china tea cup

I dropped it

it shattered into pieces

pieces large enough to glue back into a tea cup, thankfully

my finger has traced the lines of glue that hold the jagged edges together countless times

it is a shadow of the beauty it once was 

it will never be the same ever again 

no matter what I do 

I shouldn't have dropped it 

I should have been paying attention to what I was doing

I should have been more careful when I had it in my hand

but I wasn't

and the consequences are very real 

I can feel as much sorrow, remorse, regret, pain and all those other feelings all wrapped up into One Big Feeling

but my teacup will never be what it once was
 
there's no use suffering over it now because I can't make it perfect 

and life must go on

i hate studying in the library

my favorite place to study is in my dorm room at my cute little desk with my happy board right there whenever I look up and all my lovely books on the shelf right above and my mugs with spoons still in them from all the hot chocolate and herbal tea I just drank and my to-do list is right there with all the things I need to do but am not doing because I'm probably on pinterest or writing blog posts *cough* but somehow I manage to not get behind (usually) and then there are times when I'm just really focused and it's awesome and of course there's Disney music playing because Disney music is my study music (obvs) and I just really love my desk and my side of the room and I honestly dislike studying on campus and just want to stay in my room and be antisocial forever probably why I have no friends but does the library have the glow stick bracelet from the Divine Comedy show that I went to with my grandmother or the pencil holder with the paper bow made out of a page of Pride and Prejudice and the answer would be of course it doesn't so obviously I have to come home to say hello to all these lovely things that make me happy. 

home.

the library, the JFSB, the SWKT, the WILK, the HFAC etc. etc. etc. are not home and at the end of the day when I'm done with all my classes and tired of walking and socializing and stuff I just want to come home and I honestly cannot wait to get home once I start walking towards Heritage and it seems like a million miles away but then I open the door and I'm home and I put down my backpack and make myself some hot chocolate and everything is okay in the world again.

this picture is sideways on purpose

 

I'd rather be a comma than a full stop.

five lightbulbs

i. my honors professor talks and writes like an infp......no wonder i don't understand anything i'm supposed to be doing in his classes...sorry i don't get implications and need clear instructions to function properly...and turns out...he's the freakin' head of the entire department.... i am seriously reconsidering my decision to be an honors student... #judgeme

ii. i finally realized why i cry every time i watch a dance performance: it's because i miss the tight-knit dance family atmosphere, drama and all...at least you have a place where you belong. 

iii. the more i talk to my grandmother Mandeh, the more i see the many many many many (did i mention many) reasons why we are related. #meanttobe #it'sreallybecauseshefeedsme #onedayweshallcapturethekitchenanditshallbeours #untilthen #popcorninthebasement #eggsonthewall #pighatchingfromegg #wut

iv. my subconscious embraces cannibalism #jokes

v. perfectionism is a mental illness. like, no really, it is. don't underestimate it.

hi. i didn't know it would be this hard.

:: it's been my first week of school and my (almost) second week living here at BYU....away from family, friends and anything familiar
:: i love it, i really do, honestly, truly, I'll-spit-in-your-hand-and-shake-on-it-cross-my-heart-hope-to-die
:: but i didn't know it would be this hard
:: how to explain this without sounding dumb....#thestruggleisreal
::forgive me, it's 11:33 at night and i'm watching this Korean drama while writing this blog post and i have to keep switching back and forth because they actually speak Korean in this show so i have to read the subtitles because i'm not cool enough to speak Korean fluently
:: the biggest thing is familiarity 
:: i miss my family--the only people who really know my true authentic, vulnerable self and still love me anyway
:: i miss my wonderful online school with all my virtual, but real, friends 
:: friends.... what a wonderful, lovely word.... 
:: to me, friendship is so much more than the "oh-you-look-cute-today-where-did-you-get-your-shoes-did-that-boy-talk-to-you-yet" kind of friendship
:: not to brag or anything, but my friends from this wonderful online school of mine are genuine, authentic friends who can laugh and cry and tease and make each others' lives completely miserable sometimes and totally make each others' days at other times and we just all belong
:: belonging..... i miss that too
:: i've never felt so out of place and so completely..... lost
:: oh and lonely.... 
::SO IF YOU'RE IN THE AREA YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT THIS POOR LONELY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
:: bring ice cream
:: i am just so sick of introducing myself over and over again to people i'm hoping might be a potential best friend but then turns out i'll probably just never see them again but i still do the same old speech thing over and over again because i am still clinging onto that hope that maybe someone out there in this universe named Y is looking for a potential soulmate like me
:: "hi my name is Kimberly, i'm majoring in sociology with an emphasis in social work/counseling, i'm from tremonton, utah and you probably don't know where that is and i'm a freshman."
:: gah, i just really miss my family and my friends
:: like, today.... in my one class..... we had to answer two questions....
:: would you consider kissing on a first date?
:: and, beards or no beards on a guy? 
:: IF YOU KNOW ME THEN YOU WOULD GET WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS
:: i literally looked around the room (even though it was a pointless thing to do) to see if anyone would laugh with me.... 
:: and then i realized...duhhhhh nobody knows me or my history -_-
:: i almost turned to the girl standing next to me to explain my entire inside joke....and i realized again that hello....nobody cares here.... 
::so yeah anyway
:: i really do love college and i'm staying on top of my mounds of homework and i'm eating healthy and burning SO MANY calories walking around to my classes because this campus is big and i'm not used to walking to my classes anyway #burgerprobs
 :: stay in touch, mkay? 

why I need to embrace being authentic

Note: This post is somewhat religious, so if you don't like religious posts...then you probably shouldn't read this. Also, this post is my epiphany for my life. It doesn't have to apply to yours if you don't want it to.

SOMETIMES I HAVE THE COOLEST EPIPHANIES AND I ASTOUND MYSELF.

I seriously have a love-to-write-in-all-caps-when-I'm-excited problem. Sorry. Not really.

ANYWAY.

I have a confession to make. Tonight, while Mom was reading out loud and while I was supposed to be listening, I may have been slightly zoning out (like all teenagers do at some point in their lifetime) and I may have been flipping through The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

Pause for this announcement: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THAT BOOK YOU NEED TO.

And as I was aimlessly flipping through the pages, I glanced at a line, did a double-take and got slammed in the face with an epiphany. If it had been a baseball, I'd be dead with a crushed face.

Pause for this moment of guilt: As I'm writing this....I'm wondering if I should feel bad that I was only half-paying attention to Mom....or if I should just be extremely awed at this whole thing... #thestruggleisreal

Why do epiphanies have to come at the most inconvenient times? -_-  SORRY MOM.

Now to the important stuff.

The line:

"To feel shame is to be human."

-Brene Brown

The epiphany:

"To be authentic (your true self) is to be god-like."

-Kimberly's slightly zoned-out brain

The random stuff that comes after the initial epiphany:

According to Brene Brown, shame is all about who we are. It's that voice inside our heads telling us that we're too flawed and imperfect and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is fueled by the fear that we're not good enough and that we'll never be good enough. It's something we all feel and all experience. In her words again, "To feel shame is to be human."

Who wants us to be as human as possible? Who wants us to feel shame? That's right. Satan. 

If he can get us to hate ourselves, to feel unworthy of love, peace and belonging, then he has succeeded in chaining us down. He's turned us against ourselves. And when we're at war with ourselves, we aren't capable of progression. Which is exactly what he wants. Ten points to Slytherin.

However, when we are authentic, when we love ourselves and feel worthy of other people's love, we are embracing the divine nature we were born with. Remember, we are children of the Most High God. Heavenly Father created us. To feel shame about ourselves is to feel shame about God's handiwork. When we embrace our true selves, we are embracing the beauty that came from God's hand. When we feel worthy of love, we are able to progress...to become the person we wanted to become when we felt shame. Embracing authenticity actually gives us the ability to progress.

And when we are at peace with ourselves, we can be at peace with others. Once we stop feeling shame and we stop worrying about our poor, miserable selves, our hearts and minds are cleared to be able to recognize and focus on the true worth of others. (Note: Comparing ourselves to other people and believing they are more special than we are is not recognizing their true worth.) And when we truly see, love and accept other people as we do ourselves, we are seeing them like God sees them. We are being god-like.

Isn't that our quest in life? Isn't our goal to become like Him?

We won't be able to do that if we keep acting like humans. We need to start acting like gods. 

Let's start by embracing our divine nature, by being at peace with our true selves and by being authentic without shame.

masterminds

The difference between Satan's plan and Heavenly Father's plan of salvation is that instead of merely being pawns in the chess game of life, we are the masterminds of our own game. We get to make the calls. We get to suffer the consequences. We are responsible for every single move we make. 

I could just go marry Santino Fontana..kay, bye.

So I may have just found the ENTIRE recording of the 2014 Pioneer Day Concert: A Summer Celebration of Song through stalkerish means- and I may just be watching that right now and pshhhhhhh... I'm toooootally not fangirling. Totally am. Like, this makes me so incredibly happy. And also....MoTab singing DISNEY SONGS. Yeah. Fangirling a THOUSAND times over right now.  

sometimes I like to talk like a gangsta

You were born to light up the world.  So um yeah.  Think about that and then think about how we are literally created from the elements of dead star explosions.  Like, we're alive because some star went supernovae out in the universe somewhere. So yeah.  Now go back to the first sentence.  You were born to light up the world.  Now connect the dots.  Form a "crazy thought constellation" as I now like to call it.  It's kind of like.... wonderfully ironic.  We're born to light up the world and we're created from stardust.  What now. And then like, the light of Christ, people.  It's all in us.  So we're more than just stars.  We're lights of Christ.  Which is why we're born to light up the world.  Right?  And we're stars..... okay okay, I keep repeating myself but it just hit me and IT'S A COOL THOUGHT OKAY. #sorrynotsorry #hatersgonnahate But it's like, so legit when you think about it that way.  Deep thoughts, bro.  Deep thoughts.  I'm pretty sure my mind was blown or went explosive-happy on me or something.  The heck.  I'm talking all mystical now.  But seriously, isn't it a wonderfully amazing connection?  Now go drink a tall glass of starlight and get out into the world and shine it up, yo. 

-written January 14, 2014

cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth

::so I'm sitting here with this egg white/lime/honey mask on my face typing this blog post because last night one of my bffs told me to try it and my skin is in desperate need of pampering and so I did some more internet research on it (because that's what I do...some weird instinct of mine...research ALL the things!) and decided to try it
::my constant fear is that someone will knock on the door/ring the doorbell and because I'm the only one at home....I'll have to answer it... LOOKING LIKE THIS.
::also I'm pretty sure I have honey on my arms and hands which is probably gonna make this entire desk and keyboard super sticky
::I really really really hate fourteen hour workdays with a forty minute car-drive to my next job being my only break
::and when they're not fourteen hour workdays, they're eleven or twelve hour work days which isn't much better
::I miss finals week
::that was a piece of yummy cake compared to this
::mmmm speaking of cake... *stands up to go get something yummy*
::*Kimberly's shoulder angel intervenes* SIT BACK DOWN YOU'RE ON A DIET
::oh yeah... heh... I'm getting fat and I hate it
::but the only times I have to exercise on most days is either at 5:30am or 9:45pm and both those times I am just utterly. exhausted.
::maybe I should just suck it up and do it because I do NOT want to go to college this out of shape
::I'm counting down the days
::it's Tuesday, August 26th at exactly 2pm because you totally wanted to know that fact -_-
::kay so my two favorite songs this summer contradict each other
::what's up with that?
::I live on a perpetually low tank of gas
::or maybe it's just a perpetually low tank of feelings
::welcome to my walls, they're built to keep emotionally-damaging people out while I fit my life's puzzle pieces back together
::I just can't be vulnerable at the moment
::I get the feeling, though, that if I did Walls with the people I do NOT want to do Walls with, a lot of things would snap into place
::and I know there's this thing going around where it's like all the blog posts are "BE VULNERABLE" and "TAKE RISKS" and "JUMP OFF THE CLIFF INTO THE SWIRLING EMOTIONAL WHIRLWIND AND TAKE A CHANCE" and I'll probably write a blog post like that sometime
::but right now... I just can't.
::I literally do not have the energy to confront all of that
::I already broke down once this summer and it was awful
::no one was supposed to really know that so keep that on the low-down, kay? thanks a billion
::idk, just remember that everyone is broken somewhere inside even if they look happy and it seems like life's going for them and all that
::I mean, we're all human and we've all experienced pain and bad hair days
::so I should probably go wash this face mask off now...otherwise I'll  forget and start doing my secretary work which I'm supposed to be doing right now but I just couldn't bring myself to start and then get out of my pajamas and go to my other job with it still on
::the horror o.O
::bye now

[untitled one act play]

(The McGuire's Great Room, present day Bothwell. KIMBERLY is sprawled on her back in the middle of the room next to DADDY who is kneeling. Various other family members are in the room. The McGuire's have just finished family prayer.)

KIMBERLY: (moaning dramatically to DADDY) Daaaaaaaad, I'm at the age where everyone older than me has a very strong opinion about what I should do with my life which they always feel obligated to tell me and it always just so happens that their advice is against whatever I want to do. And I hate it!! It's like, people, thanks, but no thanks...can't you just be, like, supportive of what I want to do for once and not tell me that what I want to do is stupid and not profitable and is an all-around bad idea? (heavy sigh)

DADDY: (shifts to look down at KIMBERLY) ...mmmmmm....so you hate their advice? (stares down solemnly at KIMBERLY, but with a twinkle in his eye) Well, you know, I was just thinking this morning about how everything you're doing is a bad idea. (KIMBERLY audibly gasps) Yes, an awfully bad idea. And I think you should skip out on college and go be a hippie and live on the beach in a big van with.....a bunch of ex-convicts with tattoos! That's my advice.

KIMBERLY gasps in dramatic horror and slaps DADDY*

THE END

*on the knee

sprite and gummy bear popsicles

A and JRoss, the two spunky seven-year-olds I nanny this week, begged to make popsicles today. And not just any popsicles, mind you. They had to be sprite and gummy bear popsicles. Because that's definitely the first combination that comes to mind when you want a popsicle. Obviously. ;) I would not recommend actually making them because they're not that yummy but hey, go ahead and humor yourself.

Last week, A and JGrant and I went on a bike ride almost every day and every single time JGrant rode down that one steep hill with no hands I about died of a heart attack and I about died of something worse than a heart attack whenever a car drove past him because what if Something happened and....?!?!

And a few weeks ago, A and JGrant and I went downstairs and built a pretty legit blanket fort and threw a lot of pillows in it and watched Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 on Netflix.

And the very first day of my job, A and I had a girls party for a few hours while JGrant was at his grandma's doing yard work, and we painted nails and blew bubbles and ran around the yard and popped them. A also has a bubble gun and it was awesome

Confession: I miss being a kid.

I remember when I thought weird-sounding combinations of food would be totally awesome and I remember actually making them and feeding them to my dad. And now that I think back on it, Dad probably hated the chocolate-cinnamon drink that I made from scratch that was either always too bitter or way too sweet...but he always had a small sip and I thought I was a genius for coming up with something so brilliant and delicious.

I remember teaching myself how to ride my bike with no hands when I was seven or eight because all the bigger "cool" boys knew how to do it and I was determined to show them that tiny me could do cool things too. #girlpower And so I spent countless hours riding up and down the street outside my house until I had mastered the Art of No Hands and I felt like a bawss. I'm also pretty sure I gave my mom quite a few heart attacks...did I mention I never wore a helmet either? 

I remember making some seriously capital-A awesome blanket forts back in the day with all my siblings. #momentofsilence And all the games we played in the fort: house, boat, pirates, spies, adventurers...

I remember painting my nails bright red one day and thinking I was so grown-up because only grown-up women wore bright red nail polish. And I remember showing my next-door neighbor, Dakota, who was a year older than me, and asking him if he thought I looked super grown up and he told me that yes, he thought I did. And I felt like quite the lady.

Kids are awesome.  I'm reminded every day by the two (sometimes four) children I nanny that it's okay to act on imagination, it's okay to be daring, it's okay to build forts and play "pretend" and it's okay to want to be a grown-up sometimes too....a grown-up who runs around and pops bubbles that is. ;) 

Happy truth: I don't have to stop being a kid.

.....so who wants to build a fort with me and play house? #totallyserious

just want to spend the rest of my life laughing

//tonight it was just me and my mommy and my daddy and my brother and my other brother
//and we were all getting ready for family prayer
//and my dad decided to randomly start doing push-ups and then my brother and my other brother joined in
//I was sitting on my mommy's lap with my arms around her neck like the five-year-old that I really am at heart and I wouldn't get off her lap to do push-ups like my dad wanted me to so she just ended up cradling me like she used to do when I was little
//did I mention I'm eighteen?
//cough
//then somehow I was on the floor and my dad was trying to persuade me to do just TWO push-ups and I was showing him my weak girly arms and protesting loudly in my drama queen voice
//of course, that's just the right thing to trigger my two brothers into  showing off their Much Bigger muscles
//don't tell them, but brother and my other brother are freakin' buff
//like. how. even.
//I'm pretty sure my brothers made me feel their biceps at least five (plus four hundred) times each
//so, not even being able to manage two push-ups pretty much tells you the physical shape I'm in
//brother and other brother were still showing off their muscles at this point in time and also doing more push-ups to show me how much stronger they are than me as if I couldn't already tell
//it was probably right about then-ish that I said something extremely awkward (not unusual)
//which set me, my mommy, brother and other brother into waves of laughter (unusual)
//and not just ha ha ha, but like HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
//like, real deep down belly laughter that's more like gasping for air than anything else
//note: I haven't laughed my real authentic laugh in a long long long long +10 time 
//we were laughing so hard we couldn't say the prayer for another ten minutes and even then...
//I'd just like to say that I'm really glad God has a sense of humor #soyeah
//anyway, that was the last fifteen minutes of my night and I will treasure it forever because within those fifteen minutes I was Real Authentic Me Period. 
//it was one of those life Kodak moments, ya feel?
//I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing...not that fake polite laugh we all do or even the "hahaha that's funny" laugh but the REAL thing...ya know where sometimes you can't breathe or you snort or your turn red? 
//and of course, it'd be with the people I love

common to all

hey so okay. this is gonna be one of those super annoying posts where i don't capitalize anything and maybe have run on sentences and other annoying things like that but just pretend it's like i'm talking and talking and talking and probably rambling and really this is how i talk sometimes. i don't know, it's just one of those subjects where you don't REALLY know what you're saying exactly but you're gonna just spit it out anyway because you need to and it probably won't even make any sense whatsoever. you feel? 

anyway, a few days ago i was reading this talk by the prophet and this quote hit me super hard: 

"Wherever we are in life, there are times when all of us have challenges and struggles. Although they are different for each, they are common to all." -Thomas S. Monson

and actually, it was really the line "they are common to all" that sent me spinning. 

like, think about it. we're all on this earth and as a result of that existence on this globe spinning through space, we are all subject to the pains, trials and hardships of this grand adventure we call life.  no one has a perfect life even though illusions can be pretty darn convincing. especially when we're trekking through some desert wasteland and the mirage of someone else's life looks like an oasis. hah. remember, our lives might look like an oasis to some poor soul trekking through their figurative desert. what a laugh, i know.

anyway, because we're all different, the challenges of life vary from person to person as well as the way we handle those challenges. 

"...although they are different to each, they are common to all." 

everyone has trials. everyone has problems. everyone goes through difficulties. everyone experiences pain. everyone has days when life is terrible and you want to fly to neverland and become a lost boy and fight pirates instead of slugging through each hour doing whatever it is you don't want to do. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that while the challenges/problems/trials are different for each individual, we all know what it feels like to go through hardships.

feelings are common to all.

which means that you and i should never ever ever compare the trials we have to other people's trials.

like, this is gonna sound blunt, maybe, but i'm just gonna say it and if you're offended then i'm really really sorry but then again sometimes things just need to be said. 

i've thought about this.. and there are actually two ways in which we compare trials.

i) so sometimes we look at our struggles and then look at, say, for example, our friend who has a child undergoing chemo for cancer and then we feel all bad and awful that we're even struggling with our "lesser" problems because Friend With Cancer Child has it waaaaaay worse than we do. and any time we start feeling the pain of our problems we start beating ourselves up or feeling guilty because life, comparatively, is so much better for us than Friend With Cancer Child. 

ii) on the flip side, sometimes we look at others and wonder why in heaven's name they're even having a hard time. like, why is she making SUCH A BIG DEAL out of her friendship problems when i definitely have it harder than her. and why is she even coming to me to talk about it? can't she see i'm having a difficult time with my Real Problem? <-- That's kind of extreme, but it gets the point across. And trust me, we've all been guilty of this at some level or another. or at least, i have, consciously and unconsciously.

either way, let's apply the two-word sermon and "stop it." 

over the years, i've had various friends at different points in my life tell me that i don't know what pain is until i've experienced such-and-such or that i don't know what broken feels like because they've experienced broken and trust them, they know what if feels like and i don't. things like that. and then i've always felt bad that i'm even struggling with things that seem to not be that big of a deal. and then at other times, i'm the one thinking that the other person should get a grip because their issues are not a big deal and do they really know what they're talking about? 

i've been thinking about this subject for a really long time actually, but i'm finally sorting it out into understandable-ish words because i realize now that feelings are common to all. because we can't feel what others are feeling exactly, we have absolutely no way to judge whether or not they really know what pain or brokenness feels like. discounting others' feelings just because it seems like they don't have as big of problems as the next person is actually just really judgmental of us. each of our trials are meant to teach us something and Heavenly Father will never give us anything we can't handle. that means that a friend break-up can be just as difficult for one person as a close relative passing away from cancer can be for another. i've experienced both, so i'm not just flinging words around. it's not because one person's pain tolerance is lower than the other. we all have different trials that we must face and our individual paths are going to be rough for each of us.

we need to stop comparing and realize that everyone hurts inside. and it's not for me to say whether they really know what hurt or pain or brokenness feels like.

this post was definitely more for me than for any of you. it's changed the way i listen to people. and when anyone starts to apologize for "being such a baby because this is not a big deal"... i won't let them. if they're really having a hard time, no matter the problem, then i'll be there for them. it's important to them, therefore, it's important to me. 

let's just treat everyone a little more gently, shall we? 

if we were having cookies and milk...

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...that I'm actually way excited to be working four different part-time jobs this summer because in all honesty, I hate having down-time where I have to wring out every ounce of creativity from my uncreative brain and find something to do. That something I usually end up doing is parking my lazy self in front of the computer and either 1) watching Youtube 2) stalking blogs 3) chatting with friends 4) window shopping or 5) pinteresting. Working will keep me busy as a bee and far away from the life-sucking pull of my computer. And is it weird that slightly monotonous and methodical work is emotionally healing for me? Probably.

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...how much I appreciate true gentlemen in this world of players, jocks, and jerks.

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...I'm really really sorry if you ever had to deal with me when I'm stressed, drained, tired or all of the above. When that happens, I tend to pull all my feelings into a ball inside myself and set up walls to keep people out.  I live inside my own little world, protecting my heart because I can't carry one more thing. I tend to distance myself from others, including my closest friends and family because I don't want to accidentally say something that hurts them. I tend to get very blunt and direct when I'm pushed over the edge.  Just know that I always always always feel terrible afterwards and I am most likely dwelling on it and beating myself up for being so mean and inconsiderate. 

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...that all I really need right now is a sincere hug and a lot of love because the last four months of my life have been hard and even if you think you know what's going on because I've told you some things, you probably don't know the half of it.  

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...at some point in the conversation, "Oh my gosh I loved being a trail guide for Elevation Outdoors and my pods were the bestest and you can pretty much just be jealous." And then after I'm done raving about all the people in both of my pods, I'd probably pause for a second and tilt my head and look at you and say, "I just really hope I made a difference in their lives because they definitely made a difference in mine." And if you know me really well, you would understand that I meant that statement from the very bottom of my heart. #pod4ever #mallardsrock

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...that I'm really craving some really good chicken alfredo.

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...I'm really into wearing my hair in a braid to one side and that I also really enjoy wearing my Elevation baseball hat on backwards. Not that I'm a hat person. I just really like that particular hat. Add some aviators to that look and bingo, I'm set.

If we were having cookies and milk, I'd tell you...not to be alarmed if you don't hear from me for a long time.

today i graduate

I'm walking through a door today and once it shuts I'll never be able to go back.

Goodbye high school....and helllooooo college. (Can I get a hallelujah?)

Yesterday was the Last Official Day.  And now high school is done and over with.

IT'S FLIPPIN' OVER. 

I'm going through this rollercoaster of emotions that's making me feel really bipolar and maybe I should just walk myself into an asylum right now for the week... <-- That's the only thing that makes sense to do in this moment.

But before I hand myself over, I need to give a shout out to the people who really made my high school years at Williamsburg fabulously lovely.

So here's to you, my friends, and I raise my figurative glass to our friendship. (Filled with figurative lemonade, of course.)

(in no particular order; go find your name)

Catherine/Chip: Words cannot express how deeply I value our friendship. I love our story-swapping, our adventures and our flip-flopping-snarky-to-sweet personalities. High school just wouldn't have been the same without a fuzzy chipmunk by my side. From late-night sob huddles to running around in a hotel like spies...thanks for letting me be myself every time.  <3 Let's be best friends forever, yes? 

Mandy/Grandmother: You are my favorite grandmother in the history of favorite grandmothers. Just goes to show that greeting random strangers doesn't always turn out bad. ;) Thank you for always always being there no matter what and for really listening. It means the universe to me. We'll stick together until the end. No questions asked. Mkay? Mkay. I shall always be the koala bear to your....grandmotherliness. (Because that makes so much sense.) 

Aaron/PTL: (even though he won't be able to read this) Sometimes, you just connect in a snap with a person and you know you can trust him no matter what. That was you. We've shared ups and we've shared downs and we've shared far more awkward moments than should be allowed in human existence. Thanks for never leaving despite it all. :) You're the best PTL a girl could ever ask for. 

Harrison: Somehow, by some unkown force, we've stayed friends this year and....somehow... you still don't mind my quirky personality or my rants or my awkwardness or... well, you get the picture.  It's nice to be my sarcastic self around someone who will give it right back. merher...Thanks for keeping me sane this year and making me laugh when I hit rock bottom. You probably will never know how much you actually did for me this year. 

Jess: Woman. I love you. And I love Jarvis. And Pole. And Bernie. And your creepy stalker cat. But mostly I love you. You were one of my very first Burger friends and...I'm pretty sure you corrupted me. ;) But that's okay, because we have fun, right? And who knows...maybe five years from now, we'll be sister wives or something. ;) Thank you so much for showing me that it's okay if I release my weirdness.  Even if I scare everyone away, at least I'll still have you. <3

Autumn: Girl, my world would not be the same without your beautiful presence. Honestly, I'm so glad we've stayed friends even when you took a break from Williamsburg. You always always always lift me up when I'm feeling down with your kind words and compliments. You have such a sweet spirit and you're just so amazing. The man who marries you will be lucky, indeed. Remember that I will love you forever!

Ryley: Yo, my hippie hobo brother from another mother. No class presidency has ever compared to our party presidency with the almighty list, the shopping cart, the llamas and the big M. *wink wink* Thanks for being my buddy through junior year and for standing up for me when mean bullies made fun of me. (Aka kicking that one kid outta class for bashing). You're da bomb. I'll always remember to flee with speed. 

Wesleigh/Twinsie: So um. You pretty much inspire me to live my dreams. Yup. You have such a free spirit with such passion, drive and motivation. I can see you making a big difference in the world. You already have made one in my life. And I know that I can come to you whenever I need to get something off my chest. Let's make that burn book, yes? ;) #youknowwhatI'mtalkingabout

Rachel/BFFFFFF: Only you and I will EVER know what "BFFFFF" actually stands for! ;) It will be our secret. haha But seriously, woman. No man will ever stand between us ever. Because they're stupid. And you, my dear, are not. I'm pretty sure if I could sum up our friendship in one word it would be: PARTAY!  Because seriously, we're just that fun. Thanks for being crazy with me...and I'm looking forward to our crazy cat lady days!

Elizabeth: I am so so so so so so eternally glad that you messaged me in Canvas and became friends! I really do think of you as my younger hobo sister and I woud adopt you if I could! We'd run away and get ourselves a nice, cozy cardboard box and live under a freeway overpass and eat stuff from the dumpster and.... actually, that sounds gross. Let's not. Instead, I'll just content myself with chatting you and loving you from afar. Come visit me as often as you can, love, okay?

Nando: You are a piece of stinky, filthy human flesh that says mean things to me and makes me cry and all around makes my life miserable....and yet somehow... we're still friends? How does that even make sense. It doesn't. Great. I'm pretty sure WAVengers is the only thing keeping us from killing each other. ;) We really should either think about: a) world domination or b) coming back as Burger writing mentors.

Ian: Even though I push you off metaphorical cliffs, I just want you to know that I still love you thiiiiiiis much. paha. You're the greatest. :D I've loved getting to know you this past year and having you in all my Monday/Wednesday classes. And I'm pretty sure all the class presidencies think that all we do is flirt. ;) Little do they know that we do that just for their enjoyment because you're really in love with a tree. Thanks for being my over-protective, mountain-man friend! 

Riley: *figurative tear* My first adopted brother waaaaay back when we were immature freshman/sophomores spamming the forums...good times. ;) Your black preacher voice is the bestest and your analogies are always hilarious and spot on. Thanks for calming me down before my very first oral by giving me your B.S. system...I'm pretty sure I laughed away my nervousness.

Nick M: Brotha, we've roughed it through high school and now I'm leaving you.... I'M LEAVING YOU SO YOU BETTER CARRY ON THE FAM'S REPUTATION OF QUALITY LEADERSHIP. ;) No pressure. I'm counting on you. Seriously though. Have a great senior year. Make it fun. Make it count. I believe in you and I think you can do great things if you put your mind to it. You have a big heart, dear. Go for your dreams and don't let what people say/think get you down.

Alex: I seriously love it when we chat.  I'm sorry that I never seem to have a lot of time to carry on a long conversation...but just know that I value your friendship and I treasure everything you've told me.  I really feel so honored that you would trust me with some of the things you've shared. <3 Sometime, you need to fly out here and hang out with me, okay? 

Jayson: Hiya :) So I think everything will be okay and we'll be just fine.  You're an amazing person and I value our friendship. Thanks for sticking things through and being patient with me. We've been through a lot, haha! And it was pretty fun joking around with you and going on roadtrips and group dates and throwing parties and pulling an all-nighter this past year. :D 

Ward: How can I even say this....but you are just so awesome. Really truly. You always encourage me to just be wonderful, beautiful me no matter what. And you do that for everyone else as well. You have a heart of gold and I can tell that you see through the masks people wear and just see them as children of God. Also, I super love your blog and I also super love it when you tell me you wrote another blog post because it makes me feel validated. Your enthusiasm for life is contagious. :) 

Dane: I know we didn't really start talking until these past few months, but I just have to say ever since my first Elevation and you were in my pod, I've thought you were a boss. Not to mention that when I was a scared newbie, you were super kind to me and made me feel like I was worth something. :D And now that we know each other better...I still think you're a boss. Your comments in Lit class are freakin' amazing all the time. It's not even fair. ;) Congratulations on your mission call! I'm super excited for ya. 

Erica/Epica: Hey you.  I love you. And I think you're gorgeous.  And I think you have one of the prettiest voices in the history of voices. No joke. <-- Sorry if that was weird. You are a wonderful friend and I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. I was heartbroken when you couldn't make it the past two opportunities you could have come to my house! :( But this shall be fixed next week! Stay royally and beautifully you, m'dear.

Seth: 1) Never stop calling me "Sister Blister" because it makes me laugh every time. 2) Never stop testing out cheesy pick-up lines because it makes me laugh every time. 3) Never stop talking about the 8th day of creation because it makes me laugh every time. 4) Never stop pretending to be cocky because it makes me laugh every time. 5) I love that you're my brother. Let's be siblings for forever, okay? <-- that means you have to still talk to me when I'm in college.

Kyle: WHY ARE YOU SO SMART. I hate you. ;) Kidding. Kidding. You're just such a good example to me of someone who follows through with their passions in life. You have done soooo much in politics, it's astounding. And you even managed all my presidency campaigns without any reimbursement. You're a good man. :D And you also make me laugh. Remember when you had your nails painted at Elevation and I couldn't stop laughing my head off? Merher. I'm really so very happy we're friends. :3

Javan: You shall always be one of my best friends even if we don't get to see each other very often or even talk to each other...it's so sad. But whenever we get togther, it's like we didn't miss a step. You are one of my favorite people ever. I still remember our first Elevation and you were like, the only one who would really listen to me. We just sat on a rock by the river and I think I sobbed out my whole pathetic story to you. haha It meant a lot though. Hopefully we'll get to hang out soonish!

Nick L: Psh. Little brat. ;) You ALWAYS play tricks on me, ya meanie. haha Well, I guess that's just how I know that you're a true friend.... because only true friends tease the heck outta a person they love. Right right. haha. Hey, but thanks for always being one of my biggest supporters and helping me with my various campaigns. You rock. :D 

Natalie G: You are so beautiful and I value our friendship. I absolutely loved it when you surprised me by bringing Kam and Javan and all your other friends with you to watch me perform one of my last Nutcrackers and ballets!  It meant more than you can ever imagine.  Most of my family/friends live so far away that I don't get people to come and watch me very often. I love you so very very much. <3 Stay lovely.

Katrina: Girly, thanks for being my friend for so long. I still feel bad about that one time when you came to Elevation and I didn't have my glasses on or my contacts in so I didn't even see you standing there until I almost walked by you! I loved being in your pod in August and I can't wait to see you again next week! You are an amazing photographer and did so well with the Elevation pictures. I'm so lucky to have a talented, wonderful friend like you.

Sanneke: Gah, woman. I shall always cherish our bonding moment...over a flooding toilet! <--One of my favorite moments in the history of my life ever. Even though we don't talk very often, I love all the times we do. And seriously, every time you give me a virtual corn dog or virtual slabs of bacon... day=made. <3 I also kind of love it when you make me videos on G+ every now and then. You're the best, dearest!

Tiffany: "OHMYGOSH, is that a TV?!" <-- From that moment onward, I knew that we would be friends. ;) It's crazy how we always seem to have the same brain wave-length during those times of... *cough* Yeeeeeaaaah. haha You are so funny like, all the time and it's great that we're tight.  I'm so so so glad I ran into you at FEE and found out you were a Burger! 

Katelin: I still can't believe you wanted to throw a surprise birthday party for me even though you live so far away and couldn't come! You just make me feel so loved. I will miss you when I go away to college so you have to promise me to chat me every now and then and tell me how you are doing. And maybe one day, I will finally meet you and give you a hug in person! Stay royal, darling.

Wellesley: Thanks for being my unoffical mentor in Dressing Your Truth. haha It means a lot that you would share your passion with me. And I'm so happy that I got to see you a few times this year at BYU I! You are such a lovely person and I enjoy having you tell me stories about all your boy experiences at college! They're so entertaining! ;) haha It's also super awesome that I can talk ballet lingo with you and you totally know what I'm sayin'. <3

Julie: I have watched you grow from a shy freshman to a confident and wonderful sophomore! Thank you for being such a light in this school and in my life. You are truly an uplifting person who follow the promptings of the Spirit. It makes my day every time when you send me emails full of love and encouragement. Thank you for those. They came at a time when I desperately needed some love. You're amazing and don't you forget it! 

Tim: So, you're preeeeetty darn cool, Tim.  Like, too cool for school. And definitely too cool for me. ;) But you still talk to me anyway and that makes me feel pretty legit.  Also, the llama sculpture thing you made and took a picture of was super cool. Thanks for just going with the whole llama thing eeeeeveennnn if you thought it was dumb. Which it totally is in an awesome sort of way. Oh, and thanks for reading my writing and telling me it's awesome. 

Kam: .........I don't even know what to put here except a lot of laughter and smiles and joy.  So that's...what I'm putting here. AND NEXT TIME COME TO MY PARTY AND DON'T SPRAIN YOUR ANKLE. ;) Kidding.  You're energy and happiness and passion for life is so much fun to be around and makes me want to be a better, happier person. Love you much, kid. 

Ammon: Extra points for being one of my first Burger friends and original member of the not-so-original LOVEMUFFIN group during the ancient days of the forums. May they rest in peace.

Trevor: Haha... I knew I was missing someone. ;) We haven't seen each other since August 2012 Elevation. o.O Crazeh. And I still have your E1 bracelet. *cough* lol Anyway, I hope you have a great summer and thanks for being my sister's friend. :D  You're super fun and hopefully one day you'll be at an Elevation that I'm a trail guide at!

williamsburg academy is a truly fabulous school

::so recently, the headmaster of my super beloved school had me write a little snippet for his newsletter and the Williamsburg blog 

::and honestly, I'm so glad he did because I was able to take the time and just reflect on all the wonderful lessons that I've learned about myself over the past three years I've attended

::crazy to think that I'm graduating on Thursday!

::also, click on the picture above and it should take you to the piece I wrote :) 

Happy finals, everyone! 

this is how life feels sometimes

//it's just like you're all huddled on the sidewalk with the rain pouring down and the only thing between you and the storm is your umbrella and you're holding it over you like it's a lifeline but what if the wind starts blowing and the rain starts coming in sideways and then who cares about your umbrella because you're going to get soaked anyway 

//and then you realize that you can just stand up and go inside

//problem solved

//sometimes humans are stupid and we'd rather be miserable out in the storm clinging onto an umbrella that's not doing anything to help us even though we swear that it really is keeping us dry when it is most obviously not

//it's like, c'mon people...you've got a decision to make

//but too often, we choose the umbrella

happy may

_graduation
_finals will be over
_high school will be over
_elevation one
_elevation two
_which means: Mandeh, Chip, Ian, Harrison, Jess, Seth, Autumn, Nando, Tim, Ryan, Rachel, Wesleigh, Nick, Jayson, Sanneke, Epica, Dane, Tiffany, Kensley, AJ, Julia, Riley, Johnathan, Ian!
_maybe finally hopefully get a job
_which means earning money 
_which I need
_a lot
_yay :) -_-
_did I mention graduation?!
_new chapter in the story of my life

daddy's girl

a spoken word poem

I don’t remember the first time I saw you, but you, you remember when you saw me.  Was it really seventeen years ago when you stood there, half way around the world in a foreign land, with your wife by your side, clutching her hand, wondering, what you had stepped into? For in two minutes, or maybe three, your whole life would change and not because of a mid life crisis.  Or perhaps it was a crisis because the word “father” would cease to be just a word found in the dictionary and become your new name and you had no clue what to expect from this nine month old baby who you’d only seen in a tiny photograph with rosy round cheeks and big brown eyes framed with small wisps of black hair just like a China doll come alive.

But as this little girl was placed in your arms, your eyes got red and a tear escaped down your cheek and you knew that it didn’t matter if she was six or sixteen or six times three, she would always be your princess and you would be her superman. And no matter how bleak the storm of life raged, you would be there to straighten her invisible crown and look her in the eye and say, “Don’t let life get you down, no matter what happens, everything will be okay.” 

And so through the rain and the pain and the hurt and those days when she just can’t find the right shirt to impress the boy down the street and she could just hurl at the thought of wearing THAT again, daddy will always be there for his girl. And together they will pick up their feet and dance until the sun chases away the tears and the smiles start to stick.

And don’t you worry, even when the door slams shut after words like bullets ricocheted off the walls and your princess has seemed to deteriorate into the wicked witch of the East....remember, you’re still her superman and she’s just waiting for you to fly up because sometimes it’s just too painful for Rapunzel-Turned-Beast to let her hair down again one more time for you to make the climb.

But deep inside, she’s still the little girl who, once upon a forever ago, scrawled on a note, “Dad, I love you more than a horse.”  And she’s still the little girl who thinks it's funny to sit on her daddy’s lap after dinner and affectionately call him “ricehead” and “one dumb bunny” and roll her eyes at “why did the three little pigs leave home?”

But dad, you’re not a bore and I will never leave home just because I want to escape but because you taught me how to fly.  And I know that when I leave it won’t really be a goodbye, but another beginning. A new chapter of superman and super....princess. And I will place my hand in your hand that will always be bigger than mine, and together we know that “No matter what happens, everything will be.....terrific.” 

Happy Birthday, Dad! :D 

the kill switch

If you want to have a happy life right now, never allow anyone to push your kill switch ever again.

"Okay, well, um, that's awesome," you say, "but what's a kill switch exactly?"

If you purchase an expensive car these days, chances are you'll also probably buy a burglar alarm. And probably a little gadget called a kill switch.

Before there was a thing called a kill switch, people just had burglar alarms. After you parked your car and turned off your ignition, you would step outside. Then you would double-check to make sure all your doors were locked. When you were properly content that everything was satisfactory, you would insert a tiny key, probably in an opening in the fender, turn it and the alarm would be set. If anyone tried to break into your car, the earth would be pierced with an ear-shattering siren, hopefully alerting anyone in the vicinity that someone was breaking into your automobile. That usually sent the burglar running. However, if the dude happened to be a bit braver than most, after he was in the car, it was only a simple matter of quickly jumping some hot ignition wires and starting the motor before he drove away with your car, even with the siren still screaming. And that would be the beginning of a terrible day for you. ;)

Fortunately, the kill switch turned a burglar's world upside down. This small gadget, installed along with the burglar alarm, is a button wired to the ignition, usually placed under the carpet in a place only you know. The next time you left your car, you would push the kill switch, make sure all the doors were properly locked and then turn on the burglar alarm. If someone tried to break into you car and the alarm went off, he could try jumping wires until the zombie apocalypse, but your car would never start for him. Why? Because the kill switch completely cut off all power to the starter. Sure, everything else in the car would work. The windshield wipers would wipe, the lights would turn on and he could turn on the radio and add Justin Bieber's shrill girly voice to the wailing alarm. Yet, much to his frustration, the car won't ever start. The only way for him to get that car to move a single inch would be to shoulder the back fender and push it slowly out of the parking lot. Hopefully by that time, though, someone would have been alerted and called the police.

With all that being said, very little of us realize that we, too, have a kill switch. It gets pushed whenever someone speaks harshly to us, critizes our best efforts or puts us down in any way. I'm sure we all know, to one degree or another, what it's like to shut down after someone made fun of us or hurled biting remarks our way. Sure, it's easy to brush one or even two off.  But after awhile, a long barage of insults, ridicule, criticism and scorn can weigh on us, slowing us down and finally, in many cases, dragging us to a complete halt. Life is not fair and people are not always nice. The result is that, oftentimes, what self-esteem and confidence we have built up can be shattered to the point where we finally give up and stop trying to be better. It's just easier that way, right? It's easier than being hurt again. The zombie-numb stage looks really attractive. However, easy is not happy in this case. 

And how often do we push the kill switches of others? We also happen to be a part of other people's lives and, yes, we, too, have our moments where we aren't nice. How many of us, in a moment of frustration, pushed the kill switch of our friends or family by criticizing or demeaning them in some way or sending cutting words to their faces? And then how many times have those same people then struggle to continue a relationship with you? Oh sure, the outside facade still works. Just like in the car with the working windshield wipers and radio, people can still be polite and even nice to your face. Some can even laugh and joke with you. Everything seems just fine. But inside, the power is completely shut off to you. You'll have to work hard to get the power flowing again. You know what I'm talking about. You've had your kill switch pushed at some point or another by some person. You know what the struggle feels like to try to have a good relationship again with someone who hurt you.

But back to my main point. If you want a happy life right now, don't let anyone push your kill switch. You have the power to not let other people effect you with their degrading comments. And don't push any more kill switches when you're with your family or friends. If you stop, you'll find that many other people will stop as well. 

Your life is your own. You have the power over your kill switch. Don't let anyone push it ever, ever again.

It's a lesson I'm still learning and it's hard.  But who said life was easy?  The easy way just isn't the happy way.

(Inspried by The Spellbinder's Gift by Og Mandino)

here I am

So I guess I'm joining the public world of bloggerdom, yo.

Not sure how this will go down, but we'll try this out for a little while and see if I like it.

Who knows.  *shrug*

This could be the start of something great or it could be just another blog fighting for space and recognition amidst the millions of other blogs floating around in the internet.

That's just the way the world is.