hi. hi. hi. hello. hey. you. i miss you tons and tons and millions and billions and around the world to the moon and back.
i just want to give you the biggest hug and then sit and talk for hours and laugh and cry and tease and do all that fun stuff we once did and then do it all over a hundred times because there is always room for more of you in my life.
i want you to know that, believe that and know it again. because more often than not we don't talk as often as i would like and sometimes days and weeks go by in silence, utter silence. and all you can hear is the sound of life ticking by the seconds. oh life. it's so wonderfully gorgeous and great and terrible and magnificent and hard and all-the-adjectives. and it tugs me this way and you that way and it's unavoidable because we must travel where our destiny takes us.
and before we know it, we're galaxies away in another universe doing things we never imagined and it's so easy to get sucked into the black hole of the new. not that the new is really a black hole but it can take over and weaken our ties to the past if we don't pay attention.
but in the midst of all this, sometimes i pause and remember that day when our paths crossed and you came into my life. and somehow, even though i'm weird and shy and awkward and who-knows-what spills out of my mouth, you became the creme to my oreo, the sun in my shine, the whatever to the whatever....you get what i mean, gosh i miss you.
you are a fantastically wonderful, lovely, friend and i love you a whole ton. remember that my heart says this even if i'm not texting you or chatting you or emailing you or writing you letters.
xoxo
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Monday, December 8, 2014
sharing the gift
Note: This was written last year on December 26 after I read "The 13th Day of Christmas" by Jason F. Wright, but has finally been publicly published for your enjoyment. Hopefully this will clear any confusion over the dates (when I say it's the 26th of December when it most obviously is not) and you won't think I'm a very confused person who needs to look at a calendar.
Dear [insert name here],
Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle.
One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.
And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself.
In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?
Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer.
I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.
Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.
I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them. I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism.
There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.
I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.
xoxo, Kimberly
Dear [insert name here],
Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle.
One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.
And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself.
In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?
Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer.
I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.
Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.
I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them. I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism.
There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.
I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.
xoxo, Kimberly
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
shattered
it was a cloisonne china tea cup
I dropped it
it shattered into pieces
pieces large enough to glue back into a tea cup, thankfully
my finger has traced the lines of glue that hold the jagged edges together countless times
it is a shadow of the beauty it once was
it will never be the same ever again
no matter what I do
I shouldn't have dropped it
I should have been paying attention to what I was doing
I should have been more careful when I had it in my hand
but I wasn't
and the consequences are very real
I can feel as much sorrow, remorse, regret, pain and all those other feelings all wrapped up into One Big Feeling
but my teacup will never be what it once was
there's no use suffering over it now because I can't make it perfect
and life must go on
I dropped it
it shattered into pieces
pieces large enough to glue back into a tea cup, thankfully
my finger has traced the lines of glue that hold the jagged edges together countless times
it is a shadow of the beauty it once was
it will never be the same ever again
no matter what I do
I shouldn't have dropped it
I should have been paying attention to what I was doing
I should have been more careful when I had it in my hand
but I wasn't
and the consequences are very real
I can feel as much sorrow, remorse, regret, pain and all those other feelings all wrapped up into One Big Feeling
but my teacup will never be what it once was
there's no use suffering over it now because I can't make it perfect
and life must go on
Sunday, October 19, 2014
i hate studying in the library
my favorite place to study is in my dorm room at my cute little desk with my happy board right there whenever I look up and all my lovely books on the shelf right above and my mugs with spoons still in them from all the hot chocolate and herbal tea I just drank and my to-do list is right there with all the things I need to do but am not doing because I'm probably on pinterest or writing blog posts *cough* but somehow I manage to not get behind (usually) and then there are times when I'm just really focused and it's awesome and of course there's Disney music playing because Disney music is my study music (obvs) and I just really love my desk and my side of the room and I honestly dislike studying on campus and just want to stay in my room and be antisocial forever probably why I have no friends but does the library have the glow stick bracelet from the Divine Comedy show that I went to with my grandmother or the pencil holder with the paper bow made out of a page of Pride and Prejudice and the answer would be of course it doesn't so obviously I have to come home to say hello to all these lovely things that make me happy.
home.
the library, the JFSB, the SWKT, the WILK, the HFAC etc. etc. etc. are not home and at the end of the day when I'm done with all my classes and tired of walking and socializing and stuff I just want to come home and I honestly cannot wait to get home once I start walking towards Heritage and it seems like a million miles away but then I open the door and I'm home and I put down my backpack and make myself some hot chocolate and everything is okay in the world again.
home.
the library, the JFSB, the SWKT, the WILK, the HFAC etc. etc. etc. are not home and at the end of the day when I'm done with all my classes and tired of walking and socializing and stuff I just want to come home and I honestly cannot wait to get home once I start walking towards Heritage and it seems like a million miles away but then I open the door and I'm home and I put down my backpack and make myself some hot chocolate and everything is okay in the world again.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
five lightbulbs
i. my honors professor talks and writes like an infp......no wonder i don't understand anything i'm supposed to be doing in his classes...sorry i don't get implications and need clear instructions to function properly...and turns out...he's the freakin' head of the entire department.... i am seriously reconsidering my decision to be an honors student... #judgeme
ii. i finally realized why i cry every time i watch a dance performance: it's because i miss the tight-knit dance family atmosphere, drama and all...at least you have a place where you belong.
iii. the more i talk to my grandmother Mandeh, the more i see the many many many many (did i mention many) reasons why we are related. #meanttobe #it'sreallybecauseshefeedsme #onedayweshallcapturethekitchenanditshallbeours #untilthen #popcorninthebasement #eggsonthewall #pighatchingfromegg #wut
iv. my subconscious embraces cannibalism #jokes
v. perfectionism is a mental illness. like, no really, it is. don't underestimate it.
ii. i finally realized why i cry every time i watch a dance performance: it's because i miss the tight-knit dance family atmosphere, drama and all...at least you have a place where you belong.
iii. the more i talk to my grandmother Mandeh, the more i see the many many many many (did i mention many) reasons why we are related. #meanttobe #it'sreallybecauseshefeedsme #onedayweshallcapturethekitchenanditshallbeours #untilthen #popcorninthebasement #eggsonthewall #pighatchingfromegg #wut
iv. my subconscious embraces cannibalism #jokes
v. perfectionism is a mental illness. like, no really, it is. don't underestimate it.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
hi. i didn't know it would be this hard.
:: it's been my first week of school and my (almost) second week living here at BYU....away from family, friends and anything familiar
:: i love it, i really do, honestly, truly, I'll-spit-in-your-hand-and-shake-on-it-cross-my-heart-hope-to-die
:: but i didn't know it would be this hard
:: how to explain this without sounding dumb....#thestruggleisreal
::forgive me, it's 11:33 at night and i'm watching this Korean drama while writing this blog post and i have to keep switching back and forth because they actually speak Korean in this show so i have to read the subtitles because i'm not cool enough to speak Korean fluently
:: the biggest thing is familiarity
:: i miss my family--the only people who really know my true authentic, vulnerable self and still love me anyway
:: i miss my wonderful online school with all my virtual, but real, friends
:: friends.... what a wonderful, lovely word....
:: to me, friendship is so much more than the "oh-you-look-cute-today-where-did-you-get-your-shoes-did-that-boy-talk-to-you-yet" kind of friendship
:: not to brag or anything, but my friends from this wonderful online school of mine are genuine, authentic friends who can laugh and cry and tease and make each others' lives completely miserable sometimes and totally make each others' days at other times and we just all belong
:: belonging..... i miss that too
:: i've never felt so out of place and so completely..... lost
:: oh and lonely....
::SO IF YOU'RE IN THE AREA YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT THIS POOR LONELY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
::bring ice cream
:: i am just so sick of introducing myself over and over again to people i'm hoping might be a potential best friend but then turns out i'll probably just never see them again but i still do the same old speech thing over and over again because i am still clinging onto that hope that maybe someone out there in this universe named Y is looking for a potential soulmate like me
:: "hi my name is Kimberly, i'm majoring in sociology with an emphasis in social work/counseling, i'm from tremonton, utah and you probably don't know where that is and i'm a freshman."
:: gah, i just really miss my family and my friends
:: like, today.... in my one class..... we had to answer two questions....
:: would you consider kissing on a first date?
:: and, beards or no beards on a guy?
:: IF YOU KNOW ME THEN YOU WOULD GET WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS
:: i literally looked around the room (even though it was a pointless thing to do) to see if anyone would laugh with me....
:: and then i realized...duhhhhh nobody knows me or my history -_-
:: i almost turned to the girl standing next to me to explain my entire inside joke....and i realized again that hello....nobody cares here....
::so yeah anyway
:: i really do love college and i'm staying on top of my mounds of homework and i'm eating healthy and burning SO MANY calories walking around to my classes because this campus is big and i'm not used to walking to my classes anyway #burgerprobs
:: stay in touch, mkay?
:: i love it, i really do, honestly, truly, I'll-spit-in-your-hand-and-shake-on-it-cross-my-heart-hope-to-die
:: but i didn't know it would be this hard
:: how to explain this without sounding dumb....#thestruggleisreal
::forgive me, it's 11:33 at night and i'm watching this Korean drama while writing this blog post and i have to keep switching back and forth because they actually speak Korean in this show so i have to read the subtitles because i'm not cool enough to speak Korean fluently
:: the biggest thing is familiarity
:: i miss my family--the only people who really know my true authentic, vulnerable self and still love me anyway
:: i miss my wonderful online school with all my virtual, but real, friends
:: friends.... what a wonderful, lovely word....
:: to me, friendship is so much more than the "oh-you-look-cute-today-where-did-you-get-your-shoes-did-that-boy-talk-to-you-yet" kind of friendship
:: not to brag or anything, but my friends from this wonderful online school of mine are genuine, authentic friends who can laugh and cry and tease and make each others' lives completely miserable sometimes and totally make each others' days at other times and we just all belong
:: belonging..... i miss that too
:: i've never felt so out of place and so completely..... lost
:: oh and lonely....
::SO IF YOU'RE IN THE AREA YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT THIS POOR LONELY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
::
:: i am just so sick of introducing myself over and over again to people i'm hoping might be a potential best friend but then turns out i'll probably just never see them again but i still do the same old speech thing over and over again because i am still clinging onto that hope that maybe someone out there in this universe named Y is looking for a potential soulmate like me
:: "hi my name is Kimberly, i'm majoring in sociology with an emphasis in social work/counseling, i'm from tremonton, utah and you probably don't know where that is and i'm a freshman."
:: gah, i just really miss my family and my friends
:: like, today.... in my one class..... we had to answer two questions....
:: would you consider kissing on a first date?
:: and, beards or no beards on a guy?
:: IF YOU KNOW ME THEN YOU WOULD GET WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS
:: i literally looked around the room (even though it was a pointless thing to do) to see if anyone would laugh with me....
:: and then i realized...duhhhhh nobody knows me or my history -_-
:: i almost turned to the girl standing next to me to explain my entire inside joke....and i realized again that hello....nobody cares here....
::so yeah anyway
:: i really do love college and i'm staying on top of my mounds of homework and i'm eating healthy and burning SO MANY calories walking around to my classes because this campus is big and i'm not used to walking to my classes anyway #burgerprobs
:: stay in touch, mkay?
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