sharing the gift

Note: This was written last year on December 26 after I read "The 13th Day of Christmas" by Jason F. Wright, but has finally been publicly published for your enjoyment. Hopefully this will clear any confusion over the dates (when I say it's the 26th of December when it most obviously is not) and you won't think I'm a very confused person who needs to look at a calendar.

Dear [insert name here],

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle. 

One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.

And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself. 

In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?

Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer. 

I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.

Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.

I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them.  I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism. 

There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.

I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.


xoxo, Kimberly

shattered

it was a cloisonne china tea cup

I dropped it

it shattered into pieces

pieces large enough to glue back into a tea cup, thankfully

my finger has traced the lines of glue that hold the jagged edges together countless times

it is a shadow of the beauty it once was 

it will never be the same ever again 

no matter what I do 

I shouldn't have dropped it 

I should have been paying attention to what I was doing

I should have been more careful when I had it in my hand

but I wasn't

and the consequences are very real 

I can feel as much sorrow, remorse, regret, pain and all those other feelings all wrapped up into One Big Feeling

but my teacup will never be what it once was
 
there's no use suffering over it now because I can't make it perfect 

and life must go on

i hate studying in the library

my favorite place to study is in my dorm room at my cute little desk with my happy board right there whenever I look up and all my lovely books on the shelf right above and my mugs with spoons still in them from all the hot chocolate and herbal tea I just drank and my to-do list is right there with all the things I need to do but am not doing because I'm probably on pinterest or writing blog posts *cough* but somehow I manage to not get behind (usually) and then there are times when I'm just really focused and it's awesome and of course there's Disney music playing because Disney music is my study music (obvs) and I just really love my desk and my side of the room and I honestly dislike studying on campus and just want to stay in my room and be antisocial forever probably why I have no friends but does the library have the glow stick bracelet from the Divine Comedy show that I went to with my grandmother or the pencil holder with the paper bow made out of a page of Pride and Prejudice and the answer would be of course it doesn't so obviously I have to come home to say hello to all these lovely things that make me happy. 

home.

the library, the JFSB, the SWKT, the WILK, the HFAC etc. etc. etc. are not home and at the end of the day when I'm done with all my classes and tired of walking and socializing and stuff I just want to come home and I honestly cannot wait to get home once I start walking towards Heritage and it seems like a million miles away but then I open the door and I'm home and I put down my backpack and make myself some hot chocolate and everything is okay in the world again.

this picture is sideways on purpose

 

I'd rather be a comma than a full stop.

five lightbulbs

i. my honors professor talks and writes like an infp......no wonder i don't understand anything i'm supposed to be doing in his classes...sorry i don't get implications and need clear instructions to function properly...and turns out...he's the freakin' head of the entire department.... i am seriously reconsidering my decision to be an honors student... #judgeme

ii. i finally realized why i cry every time i watch a dance performance: it's because i miss the tight-knit dance family atmosphere, drama and all...at least you have a place where you belong. 

iii. the more i talk to my grandmother Mandeh, the more i see the many many many many (did i mention many) reasons why we are related. #meanttobe #it'sreallybecauseshefeedsme #onedayweshallcapturethekitchenanditshallbeours #untilthen #popcorninthebasement #eggsonthewall #pighatchingfromegg #wut

iv. my subconscious embraces cannibalism #jokes

v. perfectionism is a mental illness. like, no really, it is. don't underestimate it.

hi. i didn't know it would be this hard.

:: it's been my first week of school and my (almost) second week living here at BYU....away from family, friends and anything familiar
:: i love it, i really do, honestly, truly, I'll-spit-in-your-hand-and-shake-on-it-cross-my-heart-hope-to-die
:: but i didn't know it would be this hard
:: how to explain this without sounding dumb....#thestruggleisreal
::forgive me, it's 11:33 at night and i'm watching this Korean drama while writing this blog post and i have to keep switching back and forth because they actually speak Korean in this show so i have to read the subtitles because i'm not cool enough to speak Korean fluently
:: the biggest thing is familiarity 
:: i miss my family--the only people who really know my true authentic, vulnerable self and still love me anyway
:: i miss my wonderful online school with all my virtual, but real, friends 
:: friends.... what a wonderful, lovely word.... 
:: to me, friendship is so much more than the "oh-you-look-cute-today-where-did-you-get-your-shoes-did-that-boy-talk-to-you-yet" kind of friendship
:: not to brag or anything, but my friends from this wonderful online school of mine are genuine, authentic friends who can laugh and cry and tease and make each others' lives completely miserable sometimes and totally make each others' days at other times and we just all belong
:: belonging..... i miss that too
:: i've never felt so out of place and so completely..... lost
:: oh and lonely.... 
::SO IF YOU'RE IN THE AREA YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT THIS POOR LONELY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
:: bring ice cream
:: i am just so sick of introducing myself over and over again to people i'm hoping might be a potential best friend but then turns out i'll probably just never see them again but i still do the same old speech thing over and over again because i am still clinging onto that hope that maybe someone out there in this universe named Y is looking for a potential soulmate like me
:: "hi my name is Kimberly, i'm majoring in sociology with an emphasis in social work/counseling, i'm from tremonton, utah and you probably don't know where that is and i'm a freshman."
:: gah, i just really miss my family and my friends
:: like, today.... in my one class..... we had to answer two questions....
:: would you consider kissing on a first date?
:: and, beards or no beards on a guy? 
:: IF YOU KNOW ME THEN YOU WOULD GET WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS
:: i literally looked around the room (even though it was a pointless thing to do) to see if anyone would laugh with me.... 
:: and then i realized...duhhhhh nobody knows me or my history -_-
:: i almost turned to the girl standing next to me to explain my entire inside joke....and i realized again that hello....nobody cares here.... 
::so yeah anyway
:: i really do love college and i'm staying on top of my mounds of homework and i'm eating healthy and burning SO MANY calories walking around to my classes because this campus is big and i'm not used to walking to my classes anyway #burgerprobs
 :: stay in touch, mkay? 

why I need to embrace being authentic

Note: This post is somewhat religious, so if you don't like religious posts...then you probably shouldn't read this. Also, this post is my epiphany for my life. It doesn't have to apply to yours if you don't want it to.

SOMETIMES I HAVE THE COOLEST EPIPHANIES AND I ASTOUND MYSELF.

I seriously have a love-to-write-in-all-caps-when-I'm-excited problem. Sorry. Not really.

ANYWAY.

I have a confession to make. Tonight, while Mom was reading out loud and while I was supposed to be listening, I may have been slightly zoning out (like all teenagers do at some point in their lifetime) and I may have been flipping through The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

Pause for this announcement: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THAT BOOK YOU NEED TO.

And as I was aimlessly flipping through the pages, I glanced at a line, did a double-take and got slammed in the face with an epiphany. If it had been a baseball, I'd be dead with a crushed face.

Pause for this moment of guilt: As I'm writing this....I'm wondering if I should feel bad that I was only half-paying attention to Mom....or if I should just be extremely awed at this whole thing... #thestruggleisreal

Why do epiphanies have to come at the most inconvenient times? -_-  SORRY MOM.

Now to the important stuff.

The line:

"To feel shame is to be human."

-Brene Brown

The epiphany:

"To be authentic (your true self) is to be god-like."

-Kimberly's slightly zoned-out brain

The random stuff that comes after the initial epiphany:

According to Brene Brown, shame is all about who we are. It's that voice inside our heads telling us that we're too flawed and imperfect and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is fueled by the fear that we're not good enough and that we'll never be good enough. It's something we all feel and all experience. In her words again, "To feel shame is to be human."

Who wants us to be as human as possible? Who wants us to feel shame? That's right. Satan. 

If he can get us to hate ourselves, to feel unworthy of love, peace and belonging, then he has succeeded in chaining us down. He's turned us against ourselves. And when we're at war with ourselves, we aren't capable of progression. Which is exactly what he wants. Ten points to Slytherin.

However, when we are authentic, when we love ourselves and feel worthy of other people's love, we are embracing the divine nature we were born with. Remember, we are children of the Most High God. Heavenly Father created us. To feel shame about ourselves is to feel shame about God's handiwork. When we embrace our true selves, we are embracing the beauty that came from God's hand. When we feel worthy of love, we are able to progress...to become the person we wanted to become when we felt shame. Embracing authenticity actually gives us the ability to progress.

And when we are at peace with ourselves, we can be at peace with others. Once we stop feeling shame and we stop worrying about our poor, miserable selves, our hearts and minds are cleared to be able to recognize and focus on the true worth of others. (Note: Comparing ourselves to other people and believing they are more special than we are is not recognizing their true worth.) And when we truly see, love and accept other people as we do ourselves, we are seeing them like God sees them. We are being god-like.

Isn't that our quest in life? Isn't our goal to become like Him?

We won't be able to do that if we keep acting like humans. We need to start acting like gods. 

Let's start by embracing our divine nature, by being at peace with our true selves and by being authentic without shame.