b l e s s i n g s

I can't help it.  I love lists.  So very much.  It's a disease I think.  And so I'm going to be cliche because it's Thanksgiving tomorrow and add my grateful list to the millions already floating out there in cyberspace.  But hey, aren't they reminders that humanity is worth loving?  That we're not all selfish, greedy beings living in a giant rat race? I'd like to believe that. 

(in no particular order)

1. f a m i l y: Basically I'm stuck with them for eternity and that's more than okay because I love them so big.  No one knows me better than them.  
2. f r i e n d s: Somehow I still have them even though I'm an antisocial rock that pours out some serious sass whenever I open my mouth.  And somehow they still love me despite my odd quirks, the weird sounds that emit from my mouth and the awkward things that are a part of daily me.  They're the best kind of people. 
3. H e a v e n l y  F a t h e r: In my weakest hour, He's there to comfort me.  In my most joyful hour, He's there smiling.  My finite mind can't comprehend His infinite love, but I know it's always there enveloping me like a warm, fuzzy, eternal hug.  And the best part is, He's only a prayer away.
4. J e s u s  C h r i s t: Because of Him, I can get through this crazy mess called life with no scarring.  Because of Him, I can be whole.  Because of Him, I can return to live with my Heavenly Father.
5. d a n c e: Even though I'm always uncertain how much room I have for it in my already busy life, it has been a constant presence.  It is part of my identity, a symbol for who I am, a pathway that has led me to new opportunities and good friends.
6. t r i a l s & p a i n: Pain demands to be felt and trials insist on being known.  Sometimes life sucks so hard and I hate it and want to throw rocks at it.  But looking back, all the pain and the trials have shaped me into the person I am today, for better or for worse.  They've taught me patience, faith and love, that it's okay to not be perfect, to ask for help when I'm drowning and to embrace the emotions that they bring.
7. m o m s: Yes, they get an entire section all to themselves.  I am blessed to have a supportive, loving mother who I can talk to about anything.  I am blessed that I had a birth momma who loved me so much that she wanted me to live.  I am blessed for all the mom figures I've had at church, at dance and in my neighborhood who always welcome me back with open arms when I come back to visit.
8. e d u c a t i o n: Learning is my favorite ever even if it causes me stress and headaches far too often to get the grades I want/need/desperately want.  But that moment when the light bulb suddenly flicks on in my brain is one of the most exciting moments in the history of my life and I get in this state of flow where time seems to stand still and it's just you and this new concept and a friendship has been born and it's just a pretty great moment if you ask me. 
9. d e l i c i o u s  f o o d: Life would not be life without ice cream and fettuccine alfredo and sour patch children and Panda Express and apple pie and white chicken enchiladas and hot chocolate that help you to slow down, savor the moment and thank the souls of the people who created this food to begin with.
10. h u g s: They're always welcome at any time of the day and any part of life--a symbol of human connection and love.

happiness is in the little things

//all the disney original movies
//cookie dough ice cream for days
//the Washington D.C temple
//opening the mailbox and finding handwritten letters just for you
//late night talks with friends
//when a guy holds the door for you
//going to the movie theater and buying movie theater popcorn
//monday emails from all the missionaries
//roses
//exploring new cities
//running down hotel hallways late at night
//hiking in the mountains
//perfect make-up days
//heart-to-hearts
//laughing so hard it hurts
//learning about personalities
//planners
//clean sheets
//long phone calls
//jumping in puddles
//walking past a stranger and then being surprised when they greet you with a cheerful hello
//"I love you" texts from my mom
//sleepovers in my room with my sisters
//my dad's sense of humor
//homemade white chicken enchiladas
//dancing dancing dancing
//the lizzie bennet diaries
//meditation
//Elevation
//great mentors who are also your best friends
//the smell of a new book
//sharpie fine tip pens
//stupid tumblr posts on pinterest
//musicals
//re-reading old chat conversations from the burger days
//fruity perfumes
//shooting stars
//spoken word poetry
//home
//spinny hugs
//winning first place
//the smell of rain
//Sunday afternoon naps
//a sink with no dishes
//decorating a room
//when a friend becomes a best friend
//the playlist on pandora is spot on
//gorgeous wedding receptions
//when you get your homework done early
//picking out the perfect gift
//roadtrips

falling and flying

Sometimes life doesn't just hand you lemons, but decides to chuck them at your face and then push you off a cliff just for fun. And I guess then, at that point, it's your choice to keep falling or spread the wings you didn't think you had and fly up towards the stars among all the wishes and hopes of humanity floating to heaven.

w a n d e r l u s t

(noun)

a great desire to travel and rove about

darling, 

let's just be adventurers

and together let's 

live in the sunshine

and swim in the sea

and hike majestic mountains

and run through forests

and eat ice cream

in an Italian ice cream parlor

and stroll the boulevards

of Paris and London and Amsterdam

and climb the Great Wall

and take pictures by the pyramids

while dancing to crazy music in our heads

and let's meet new people 

and speak their culture

and just become hopeless wanderers

that go to seek a great perhaps

in the big wide beautiful world

and every night

let's stare up at the stars

and take in their wonder

and breath in the wild air

and feel gorgeously free

teetering in the unknown

falling in love

with wandering.

it is now the early morning

::the balance between school and sleep and social life is just too hard and i give up so excuse me while i go drown myself in cookie dough and forget about things like punctuation and capital letters and dieting and stupid people and this research proposal and the four midterms i have next week

::also it's two in the freaking morning

::don't ask

::i'm almost just tempted to pull an all-nighter and see how it goes

::just for fun #iampathetic 

::i have not written on here in forever

::so much for being a great blogger 

::not that i really thought i was anyway 

::also i'm sick of watching flirting #sorrynotsorry

::like, sorry i'm not one of those girls who flirts aggressively to get a guy's attention

::or who even flirts at all #whereisflirtingacademywhenineedone

::but ew i had to watch it all this morning...erm guess not this morning but last morning 

::you get what i mean

::previous morning

::anyway

::ALLTHEANNOYEDFEELINGS

::i really am the world's biggest jerk sometimes

::freely admits it

::i give you permission to hate me 
::sorry this post sucked

this is for you

hi. hi. hi. hello. hey. you. i miss you tons and tons and millions and billions and around the world to the moon and back. 

i just want to give you the biggest hug and then sit and talk for hours and laugh and cry and tease and do all that fun stuff we once did and then do it all over a hundred times because there is always room for more of you in my life. 

i want you to know that, believe that and know it again. because more often than not we don't talk as often as i would like and sometimes days and weeks go by in silence, utter silence. and all you can hear is the sound of life ticking by the seconds. oh life. it's so wonderfully gorgeous and great and terrible and magnificent and hard and all-the-adjectives. and it tugs me this way and you that way and it's unavoidable because we must travel where our destiny takes us.

and before we know it, we're galaxies away in another universe doing things we never imagined and it's so easy to get sucked into the black hole of the new. not that the new is really a black hole but it can take over and weaken our ties to the past if we don't pay attention.

but in the midst of all this, sometimes i pause and remember that day when our paths crossed and you came into my life. and somehow, even though i'm weird and shy and awkward and who-knows-what spills out of my mouth, you became the creme to my oreo, the sun in my shine, the whatever to the whatever....you get what i mean, gosh i miss you.

you are a fantastically wonderful, lovely, friend and i love you a whole ton. remember that my heart says this even if i'm not texting you or chatting you or emailing you or writing you letters.

xoxo

sharing the gift

Note: This was written last year on December 26 after I read "The 13th Day of Christmas" by Jason F. Wright, but has finally been publicly published for your enjoyment. Hopefully this will clear any confusion over the dates (when I say it's the 26th of December when it most obviously is not) and you won't think I'm a very confused person who needs to look at a calendar.

Dear [insert name here],

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle. 

One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.

And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself. 

In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?

Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer. 

I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.

Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.

I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them.  I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism. 

There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.

I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.


xoxo, Kimberly