six word memoir

one girl dancing through the rain

b l e s s i n g s

I can't help it.  I love lists.  So very much.  It's a disease I think.  And so I'm going to be cliche because it's Thanksgiving tomorrow and add my grateful list to the millions already floating out there in cyberspace.  But hey, aren't they reminders that humanity is worth loving?  That we're not all selfish, greedy beings living in a giant rat race? I'd like to believe that. 

(in no particular order)

1. f a m i l y: Basically I'm stuck with them for eternity and that's more than okay because I love them so big.  No one knows me better than them.  
2. f r i e n d s: Somehow I still have them even though I'm an antisocial rock that pours out some serious sass whenever I open my mouth.  And somehow they still love me despite my odd quirks, the weird sounds that emit from my mouth and the awkward things that are a part of daily me.  They're the best kind of people. 
3. H e a v e n l y  F a t h e r: In my weakest hour, He's there to comfort me.  In my most joyful hour, He's there smiling.  My finite mind can't comprehend His infinite love, but I know it's always there enveloping me like a warm, fuzzy, eternal hug.  And the best part is, He's only a prayer away.
4. J e s u s  C h r i s t: Because of Him, I can get through this crazy mess called life with no scarring.  Because of Him, I can be whole.  Because of Him, I can return to live with my Heavenly Father.
5. d a n c e: Even though I'm always uncertain how much room I have for it in my already busy life, it has been a constant presence.  It is part of my identity, a symbol for who I am, a pathway that has led me to new opportunities and good friends.
6. t r i a l s & p a i n: Pain demands to be felt and trials insist on being known.  Sometimes life sucks so hard and I hate it and want to throw rocks at it.  But looking back, all the pain and the trials have shaped me into the person I am today, for better or for worse.  They've taught me patience, faith and love, that it's okay to not be perfect, to ask for help when I'm drowning and to embrace the emotions that they bring.
7. m o m s: Yes, they get an entire section all to themselves.  I am blessed to have a supportive, loving mother who I can talk to about anything.  I am blessed that I had a birth momma who loved me so much that she wanted me to live.  I am blessed for all the mom figures I've had at church, at dance and in my neighborhood who always welcome me back with open arms when I come back to visit.
8. e d u c a t i o n: Learning is my favorite ever even if it causes me stress and headaches far too often to get the grades I want/need/desperately want.  But that moment when the light bulb suddenly flicks on in my brain is one of the most exciting moments in the history of my life and I get in this state of flow where time seems to stand still and it's just you and this new concept and a friendship has been born and it's just a pretty great moment if you ask me. 
9. d e l i c i o u s  f o o d: Life would not be life without ice cream and fettuccine alfredo and sour patch children and Panda Express and apple pie and white chicken enchiladas and hot chocolate that help you to slow down, savor the moment and thank the souls of the people who created this food to begin with.
10. h u g s: They're always welcome at any time of the day and any part of life--a symbol of human connection and love.

happiness is in the little things

//all the disney original movies
//cookie dough ice cream for days
//the Washington D.C temple
//opening the mailbox and finding handwritten letters just for you
//late night talks with friends
//when a guy holds the door for you
//going to the movie theater and buying movie theater popcorn
//monday emails from all the missionaries
//roses
//exploring new cities
//running down hotel hallways late at night
//hiking in the mountains
//perfect make-up days
//heart-to-hearts
//laughing so hard it hurts
//learning about personalities
//planners
//clean sheets
//long phone calls
//jumping in puddles
//walking past a stranger and then being surprised when they greet you with a cheerful hello
//"I love you" texts from my mom
//sleepovers in my room with my sisters
//my dad's sense of humor
//homemade white chicken enchiladas
//dancing dancing dancing
//the lizzie bennet diaries
//meditation
//Elevation
//great mentors who are also your best friends
//the smell of a new book
//sharpie fine tip pens
//stupid tumblr posts on pinterest
//musicals
//re-reading old chat conversations from the burger days
//fruity perfumes
//shooting stars
//spoken word poetry
//home
//spinny hugs
//winning first place
//the smell of rain
//Sunday afternoon naps
//a sink with no dishes
//decorating a room
//when a friend becomes a best friend
//the playlist on pandora is spot on
//gorgeous wedding receptions
//when you get your homework done early
//picking out the perfect gift
//roadtrips

falling and flying

Sometimes life doesn't just hand you lemons, but decides to chuck them at your face and then push you off a cliff just for fun. And I guess then, at that point, it's your choice to keep falling or spread the wings you didn't think you had and fly up towards the stars among all the wishes and hopes of humanity floating to heaven.

w a n d e r l u s t

(noun)

a great desire to travel and rove about

darling, 

let's just be adventurers

and together let's 

live in the sunshine

and swim in the sea

and hike majestic mountains

and run through forests

and eat ice cream

in an Italian ice cream parlor

and stroll the boulevards

of Paris and London and Amsterdam

and climb the Great Wall

and take pictures by the pyramids

while dancing to crazy music in our heads

and let's meet new people 

and speak their culture

and just become hopeless wanderers

that go to seek a great perhaps

in the big wide beautiful world

and every night

let's stare up at the stars

and take in their wonder

and breath in the wild air

and feel gorgeously free

teetering in the unknown

falling in love

with wandering.

it is now the early morning

::the balance between school and sleep and social life is just too hard and i give up so excuse me while i go drown myself in cookie dough and forget about things like punctuation and capital letters and dieting and stupid people and this research proposal and the four midterms i have next week

::also it's two in the freaking morning

::don't ask

::i'm almost just tempted to pull an all-nighter and see how it goes

::just for fun #iampathetic 

::i have not written on here in forever

::so much for being a great blogger 

::not that i really thought i was anyway 

::also i'm sick of watching flirting #sorrynotsorry

::like, sorry i'm not one of those girls who flirts aggressively to get a guy's attention

::or who even flirts at all #whereisflirtingacademywhenineedone

::but ew i had to watch it all this morning...erm guess not this morning but last morning 

::you get what i mean

::previous morning

::anyway

::ALLTHEANNOYEDFEELINGS

::i really am the world's biggest jerk sometimes

::freely admits it

::i give you permission to hate me 
::sorry this post sucked

this is for you

hi. hi. hi. hello. hey. you. i miss you tons and tons and millions and billions and around the world to the moon and back. 

i just want to give you the biggest hug and then sit and talk for hours and laugh and cry and tease and do all that fun stuff we once did and then do it all over a hundred times because there is always room for more of you in my life. 

i want you to know that, believe that and know it again. because more often than not we don't talk as often as i would like and sometimes days and weeks go by in silence, utter silence. and all you can hear is the sound of life ticking by the seconds. oh life. it's so wonderfully gorgeous and great and terrible and magnificent and hard and all-the-adjectives. and it tugs me this way and you that way and it's unavoidable because we must travel where our destiny takes us.

and before we know it, we're galaxies away in another universe doing things we never imagined and it's so easy to get sucked into the black hole of the new. not that the new is really a black hole but it can take over and weaken our ties to the past if we don't pay attention.

but in the midst of all this, sometimes i pause and remember that day when our paths crossed and you came into my life. and somehow, even though i'm weird and shy and awkward and who-knows-what spills out of my mouth, you became the creme to my oreo, the sun in my shine, the whatever to the whatever....you get what i mean, gosh i miss you.

you are a fantastically wonderful, lovely, friend and i love you a whole ton. remember that my heart says this even if i'm not texting you or chatting you or emailing you or writing you letters.

xoxo

sharing the gift

Note: This was written last year on December 26 after I read "The 13th Day of Christmas" by Jason F. Wright, but has finally been publicly published for your enjoyment. Hopefully this will clear any confusion over the dates (when I say it's the 26th of December when it most obviously is not) and you won't think I'm a very confused person who needs to look at a calendar.

Dear [insert name here],

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Why? The joy, the laughter, the peace, the warmth and the love. I love the bright holiday lights, steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the piney smell of Christmas trees and those adorable couples holding each others' mittened hands. I love the sparkling snow on the ground, the crisp winter bite in the air and the crunching of fashionable boots on the ice. I love the cheerful off-key singing of carolers, the glow of warm fires through windows and the endless ringing of "Merry Christmas!" from stranger to stranger. And you know what? I love the Santas and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and the department store sales. I love giving presents. I love getting presents. I love Christmas parties. I even love the hustle and bustle. 

One day, my friend was complaining that he hated Christmas. He called it a "greedy" holiday. One where people only thought of getting, getting, getting. A holiday full of stress. A holiday where no one focused on Christ anymore and only focused on themselves. I had to think about it for awhile. I kind of got depressed because if you look through it at that angle, then he's correct. Christmas can be a month full of stress. Of empty pockets. Of debt and financial trouble. Of snotty, selfish children who aren't even grateful for the iPod, iPad and latest version of the iPhone they're getting. Of honking horns as drivers flip each other off in the congested holiday traffic runs. Of slushy, dirty snow piled up on the sides of the roads. Of annoying ward Christmas parties. Of carols played over and over and over and over on the radios until you want to scream. Through that lens, Christmas can be a terrible holiday.

And then it hit me. By thinking of Christmas that way, I'm ruining it for myself. My friend is ruining it for himself, but I don't have to be sucked into the pit of despair as well. It all depends on how you look at it. I know, what a super cliche way to put it, but it's so very, very true. You can decide to see the awful and the terrible and the bad about the holiday and ruin it for yourself. 

In fact, it's kind of ironic actually. In hating Christmas, you're actually fulfilling everything you hate about it! The true focus of Christmas is Christ and love. Let me repeat that word again: love. In hating the holiday, you are, regrettably, not choosing love. Fortunately, there's still a chance. You can choose to see the good. You can choose to see the things that are lovely and beautiful about it. Yes, of course there are people who get caught up in the commercial part of Christmas. But you know what? Everyone does to some extent. And is that wrong? No, I don't believe it is. Obviously don't go to the extreme, but I don't think going to the extreme in loathing everything else is necessarily good either. I think sometimes we get too caught up in hating the commercial part of it that we leave no room for Christ. On the outside it looks like we're focusing on Him, but in reality, we're too worried about keeping the other things out that there's no room for Him in our hearts. Hating is not going to bring Christ back into Christmas. Having a "holier-than-thou" attitude won't either. I'm going to take a stab in the dark, but I would even venture to say that He wants us to be happy during Christmas. *gasp* He wants us to give gifts and get gifts or keep Christmas however we like. Technically, we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of Christ anyway. We should already be doing that every second of our mortality. We should be celebrating His life every single day, all year round. Otherwise, what's the point of remembering Him for twenty-five days if we forget about Him the rest of the year? So, for goodness sake, go have fun all the way up to the twenty-fifth. Don't be a self-righteous martyr. Go to the parties. Go shopping. Wrap your gifts. Get excited for Santa to come. Or be Santa and be excited to see the eyes of your children light up as they walk into the living room and see their goodies. Make those holiday sugar cookies and get frosting all over the counter. Turn up the radio full blast and jam to Deck the Halls or Sleigh Ride. It's a fun time that only comes once a year. So you might as well take advantage of the festivities, right?

Today is the twenty-sixth. I've had my holiday fun. I've opened my gifts, given gifts and put them away. Now is the time where I give the most meaningful gift: a gift of my Savior, my Redeemer. 

I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. He lives. His birth brought hope unto mankind. A God became mortal and suffered every single pain, hurt and sorrow for each of us so that we might return to live again with Heavenly Father. He also suffered for us so that we might be comforted and feel at peace during times of despair. All He asks in return is for us to try our best to be like Him. His life is our model.

Today, I declare that I am recommitting to be more like Him. I just spent twenty-five days this December celebrating His birth, but now, it's time to celebrate His life. It's time to celebrate His example. It's time to live His example. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Oh so many mistakes. I harbor regrets. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I flat-out fall on my face and slide freakin' backwards down the pathway of life. But He is always there for me. He is always there to extend a hand to help me back up. He'll even push me back up the mountain. Or carry me. And I know with all my heart that He'll do the same for you.

I know what I need to do. I need to fully repent and embrace His atonement in my life. I need to practice this every single day. I need to act on the promptings of the Spirit more. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to treat people as people, just like Jesus would treat them. I need to love them as He loves them.  I need to be more willing to help out. I need to not complain. I need to study my scriptures better. I need to serve others more. I need to stop hating and holding grudges. I need to let go of my perfectionism. 

There are so many things I need to do. But I'm taking them a slow step at a time. It's not required that I become perfect. I just need to do my best. My absolute best. And never ever give up.

I hope I've presented to you another way to look at Christmas. Christmas is a magical time of year, but the day after is the time where we decide if we'll keep the magic with us or let it be boxed up with our Christmas decorations until next year.


xoxo, Kimberly

shattered

it was a cloisonne china tea cup

I dropped it

it shattered into pieces

pieces large enough to glue back into a tea cup, thankfully

my finger has traced the lines of glue that hold the jagged edges together countless times

it is a shadow of the beauty it once was 

it will never be the same ever again 

no matter what I do 

I shouldn't have dropped it 

I should have been paying attention to what I was doing

I should have been more careful when I had it in my hand

but I wasn't

and the consequences are very real 

I can feel as much sorrow, remorse, regret, pain and all those other feelings all wrapped up into One Big Feeling

but my teacup will never be what it once was
 
there's no use suffering over it now because I can't make it perfect 

and life must go on

i hate studying in the library

my favorite place to study is in my dorm room at my cute little desk with my happy board right there whenever I look up and all my lovely books on the shelf right above and my mugs with spoons still in them from all the hot chocolate and herbal tea I just drank and my to-do list is right there with all the things I need to do but am not doing because I'm probably on pinterest or writing blog posts *cough* but somehow I manage to not get behind (usually) and then there are times when I'm just really focused and it's awesome and of course there's Disney music playing because Disney music is my study music (obvs) and I just really love my desk and my side of the room and I honestly dislike studying on campus and just want to stay in my room and be antisocial forever probably why I have no friends but does the library have the glow stick bracelet from the Divine Comedy show that I went to with my grandmother or the pencil holder with the paper bow made out of a page of Pride and Prejudice and the answer would be of course it doesn't so obviously I have to come home to say hello to all these lovely things that make me happy. 

home.

the library, the JFSB, the SWKT, the WILK, the HFAC etc. etc. etc. are not home and at the end of the day when I'm done with all my classes and tired of walking and socializing and stuff I just want to come home and I honestly cannot wait to get home once I start walking towards Heritage and it seems like a million miles away but then I open the door and I'm home and I put down my backpack and make myself some hot chocolate and everything is okay in the world again.

this picture is sideways on purpose

 

I'd rather be a comma than a full stop.

five lightbulbs

i. my honors professor talks and writes like an infp......no wonder i don't understand anything i'm supposed to be doing in his classes...sorry i don't get implications and need clear instructions to function properly...and turns out...he's the freakin' head of the entire department.... i am seriously reconsidering my decision to be an honors student... #judgeme

ii. i finally realized why i cry every time i watch a dance performance: it's because i miss the tight-knit dance family atmosphere, drama and all...at least you have a place where you belong. 

iii. the more i talk to my grandmother Mandeh, the more i see the many many many many (did i mention many) reasons why we are related. #meanttobe #it'sreallybecauseshefeedsme #onedayweshallcapturethekitchenanditshallbeours #untilthen #popcorninthebasement #eggsonthewall #pighatchingfromegg #wut

iv. my subconscious embraces cannibalism #jokes

v. perfectionism is a mental illness. like, no really, it is. don't underestimate it.

hi. i didn't know it would be this hard.

:: it's been my first week of school and my (almost) second week living here at BYU....away from family, friends and anything familiar
:: i love it, i really do, honestly, truly, I'll-spit-in-your-hand-and-shake-on-it-cross-my-heart-hope-to-die
:: but i didn't know it would be this hard
:: how to explain this without sounding dumb....#thestruggleisreal
::forgive me, it's 11:33 at night and i'm watching this Korean drama while writing this blog post and i have to keep switching back and forth because they actually speak Korean in this show so i have to read the subtitles because i'm not cool enough to speak Korean fluently
:: the biggest thing is familiarity 
:: i miss my family--the only people who really know my true authentic, vulnerable self and still love me anyway
:: i miss my wonderful online school with all my virtual, but real, friends 
:: friends.... what a wonderful, lovely word.... 
:: to me, friendship is so much more than the "oh-you-look-cute-today-where-did-you-get-your-shoes-did-that-boy-talk-to-you-yet" kind of friendship
:: not to brag or anything, but my friends from this wonderful online school of mine are genuine, authentic friends who can laugh and cry and tease and make each others' lives completely miserable sometimes and totally make each others' days at other times and we just all belong
:: belonging..... i miss that too
:: i've never felt so out of place and so completely..... lost
:: oh and lonely.... 
::SO IF YOU'RE IN THE AREA YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT THIS POOR LONELY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
:: bring ice cream
:: i am just so sick of introducing myself over and over again to people i'm hoping might be a potential best friend but then turns out i'll probably just never see them again but i still do the same old speech thing over and over again because i am still clinging onto that hope that maybe someone out there in this universe named Y is looking for a potential soulmate like me
:: "hi my name is Kimberly, i'm majoring in sociology with an emphasis in social work/counseling, i'm from tremonton, utah and you probably don't know where that is and i'm a freshman."
:: gah, i just really miss my family and my friends
:: like, today.... in my one class..... we had to answer two questions....
:: would you consider kissing on a first date?
:: and, beards or no beards on a guy? 
:: IF YOU KNOW ME THEN YOU WOULD GET WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS
:: i literally looked around the room (even though it was a pointless thing to do) to see if anyone would laugh with me.... 
:: and then i realized...duhhhhh nobody knows me or my history -_-
:: i almost turned to the girl standing next to me to explain my entire inside joke....and i realized again that hello....nobody cares here.... 
::so yeah anyway
:: i really do love college and i'm staying on top of my mounds of homework and i'm eating healthy and burning SO MANY calories walking around to my classes because this campus is big and i'm not used to walking to my classes anyway #burgerprobs
 :: stay in touch, mkay? 

why I need to embrace being authentic

Note: This post is somewhat religious, so if you don't like religious posts...then you probably shouldn't read this. Also, this post is my epiphany for my life. It doesn't have to apply to yours if you don't want it to.

SOMETIMES I HAVE THE COOLEST EPIPHANIES AND I ASTOUND MYSELF.

I seriously have a love-to-write-in-all-caps-when-I'm-excited problem. Sorry. Not really.

ANYWAY.

I have a confession to make. Tonight, while Mom was reading out loud and while I was supposed to be listening, I may have been slightly zoning out (like all teenagers do at some point in their lifetime) and I may have been flipping through The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

Pause for this announcement: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THAT BOOK YOU NEED TO.

And as I was aimlessly flipping through the pages, I glanced at a line, did a double-take and got slammed in the face with an epiphany. If it had been a baseball, I'd be dead with a crushed face.

Pause for this moment of guilt: As I'm writing this....I'm wondering if I should feel bad that I was only half-paying attention to Mom....or if I should just be extremely awed at this whole thing... #thestruggleisreal

Why do epiphanies have to come at the most inconvenient times? -_-  SORRY MOM.

Now to the important stuff.

The line:

"To feel shame is to be human."

-Brene Brown

The epiphany:

"To be authentic (your true self) is to be god-like."

-Kimberly's slightly zoned-out brain

The random stuff that comes after the initial epiphany:

According to Brene Brown, shame is all about who we are. It's that voice inside our heads telling us that we're too flawed and imperfect and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is fueled by the fear that we're not good enough and that we'll never be good enough. It's something we all feel and all experience. In her words again, "To feel shame is to be human."

Who wants us to be as human as possible? Who wants us to feel shame? That's right. Satan. 

If he can get us to hate ourselves, to feel unworthy of love, peace and belonging, then he has succeeded in chaining us down. He's turned us against ourselves. And when we're at war with ourselves, we aren't capable of progression. Which is exactly what he wants. Ten points to Slytherin.

However, when we are authentic, when we love ourselves and feel worthy of other people's love, we are embracing the divine nature we were born with. Remember, we are children of the Most High God. Heavenly Father created us. To feel shame about ourselves is to feel shame about God's handiwork. When we embrace our true selves, we are embracing the beauty that came from God's hand. When we feel worthy of love, we are able to progress...to become the person we wanted to become when we felt shame. Embracing authenticity actually gives us the ability to progress.

And when we are at peace with ourselves, we can be at peace with others. Once we stop feeling shame and we stop worrying about our poor, miserable selves, our hearts and minds are cleared to be able to recognize and focus on the true worth of others. (Note: Comparing ourselves to other people and believing they are more special than we are is not recognizing their true worth.) And when we truly see, love and accept other people as we do ourselves, we are seeing them like God sees them. We are being god-like.

Isn't that our quest in life? Isn't our goal to become like Him?

We won't be able to do that if we keep acting like humans. We need to start acting like gods. 

Let's start by embracing our divine nature, by being at peace with our true selves and by being authentic without shame.

masterminds

The difference between Satan's plan and Heavenly Father's plan of salvation is that instead of merely being pawns in the chess game of life, we are the masterminds of our own game. We get to make the calls. We get to suffer the consequences. We are responsible for every single move we make. 

I could just go marry Santino Fontana..kay, bye.

So I may have just found the ENTIRE recording of the 2014 Pioneer Day Concert: A Summer Celebration of Song through stalkerish means- and I may just be watching that right now and pshhhhhhh... I'm toooootally not fangirling. Totally am. Like, this makes me so incredibly happy. And also....MoTab singing DISNEY SONGS. Yeah. Fangirling a THOUSAND times over right now.  

sometimes I like to talk like a gangsta

You were born to light up the world.  So um yeah.  Think about that and then think about how we are literally created from the elements of dead star explosions.  Like, we're alive because some star went supernovae out in the universe somewhere. So yeah.  Now go back to the first sentence.  You were born to light up the world.  Now connect the dots.  Form a "crazy thought constellation" as I now like to call it.  It's kind of like.... wonderfully ironic.  We're born to light up the world and we're created from stardust.  What now. And then like, the light of Christ, people.  It's all in us.  So we're more than just stars.  We're lights of Christ.  Which is why we're born to light up the world.  Right?  And we're stars..... okay okay, I keep repeating myself but it just hit me and IT'S A COOL THOUGHT OKAY. #sorrynotsorry #hatersgonnahate But it's like, so legit when you think about it that way.  Deep thoughts, bro.  Deep thoughts.  I'm pretty sure my mind was blown or went explosive-happy on me or something.  The heck.  I'm talking all mystical now.  But seriously, isn't it a wonderfully amazing connection?  Now go drink a tall glass of starlight and get out into the world and shine it up, yo. 

-written January 14, 2014

cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth

::so I'm sitting here with this egg white/lime/honey mask on my face typing this blog post because last night one of my bffs told me to try it and my skin is in desperate need of pampering and so I did some more internet research on it (because that's what I do...some weird instinct of mine...research ALL the things!) and decided to try it
::my constant fear is that someone will knock on the door/ring the doorbell and because I'm the only one at home....I'll have to answer it... LOOKING LIKE THIS.
::also I'm pretty sure I have honey on my arms and hands which is probably gonna make this entire desk and keyboard super sticky
::I really really really hate fourteen hour workdays with a forty minute car-drive to my next job being my only break
::and when they're not fourteen hour workdays, they're eleven or twelve hour work days which isn't much better
::I miss finals week
::that was a piece of yummy cake compared to this
::mmmm speaking of cake... *stands up to go get something yummy*
::*Kimberly's shoulder angel intervenes* SIT BACK DOWN YOU'RE ON A DIET
::oh yeah... heh... I'm getting fat and I hate it
::but the only times I have to exercise on most days is either at 5:30am or 9:45pm and both those times I am just utterly. exhausted.
::maybe I should just suck it up and do it because I do NOT want to go to college this out of shape
::I'm counting down the days
::it's Tuesday, August 26th at exactly 2pm because you totally wanted to know that fact -_-
::kay so my two favorite songs this summer contradict each other
::what's up with that?
::I live on a perpetually low tank of gas
::or maybe it's just a perpetually low tank of feelings
::welcome to my walls, they're built to keep emotionally-damaging people out while I fit my life's puzzle pieces back together
::I just can't be vulnerable at the moment
::I get the feeling, though, that if I did Walls with the people I do NOT want to do Walls with, a lot of things would snap into place
::and I know there's this thing going around where it's like all the blog posts are "BE VULNERABLE" and "TAKE RISKS" and "JUMP OFF THE CLIFF INTO THE SWIRLING EMOTIONAL WHIRLWIND AND TAKE A CHANCE" and I'll probably write a blog post like that sometime
::but right now... I just can't.
::I literally do not have the energy to confront all of that
::I already broke down once this summer and it was awful
::no one was supposed to really know that so keep that on the low-down, kay? thanks a billion
::idk, just remember that everyone is broken somewhere inside even if they look happy and it seems like life's going for them and all that
::I mean, we're all human and we've all experienced pain and bad hair days
::so I should probably go wash this face mask off now...otherwise I'll  forget and start doing my secretary work which I'm supposed to be doing right now but I just couldn't bring myself to start and then get out of my pajamas and go to my other job with it still on
::the horror o.O
::bye now

[untitled one act play]

(The McGuire's Great Room, present day Bothwell. KIMBERLY is sprawled on her back in the middle of the room next to DADDY who is kneeling. Various other family members are in the room. The McGuire's have just finished family prayer.)

KIMBERLY: (moaning dramatically to DADDY) Daaaaaaaad, I'm at the age where everyone older than me has a very strong opinion about what I should do with my life which they always feel obligated to tell me and it always just so happens that their advice is against whatever I want to do. And I hate it!! It's like, people, thanks, but no thanks...can't you just be, like, supportive of what I want to do for once and not tell me that what I want to do is stupid and not profitable and is an all-around bad idea? (heavy sigh)

DADDY: (shifts to look down at KIMBERLY) ...mmmmmm....so you hate their advice? (stares down solemnly at KIMBERLY, but with a twinkle in his eye) Well, you know, I was just thinking this morning about how everything you're doing is a bad idea. (KIMBERLY audibly gasps) Yes, an awfully bad idea. And I think you should skip out on college and go be a hippie and live on the beach in a big van with.....a bunch of ex-convicts with tattoos! That's my advice.

KIMBERLY gasps in dramatic horror and slaps DADDY*

THE END

*on the knee

sprite and gummy bear popsicles

A and JRoss, the two spunky seven-year-olds I nanny this week, begged to make popsicles today. And not just any popsicles, mind you. They had to be sprite and gummy bear popsicles. Because that's definitely the first combination that comes to mind when you want a popsicle. Obviously. ;) I would not recommend actually making them because they're not that yummy but hey, go ahead and humor yourself.

Last week, A and JGrant and I went on a bike ride almost every day and every single time JGrant rode down that one steep hill with no hands I about died of a heart attack and I about died of something worse than a heart attack whenever a car drove past him because what if Something happened and....?!?!

And a few weeks ago, A and JGrant and I went downstairs and built a pretty legit blanket fort and threw a lot of pillows in it and watched Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 on Netflix.

And the very first day of my job, A and I had a girls party for a few hours while JGrant was at his grandma's doing yard work, and we painted nails and blew bubbles and ran around the yard and popped them. A also has a bubble gun and it was awesome

Confession: I miss being a kid.

I remember when I thought weird-sounding combinations of food would be totally awesome and I remember actually making them and feeding them to my dad. And now that I think back on it, Dad probably hated the chocolate-cinnamon drink that I made from scratch that was either always too bitter or way too sweet...but he always had a small sip and I thought I was a genius for coming up with something so brilliant and delicious.

I remember teaching myself how to ride my bike with no hands when I was seven or eight because all the bigger "cool" boys knew how to do it and I was determined to show them that tiny me could do cool things too. #girlpower And so I spent countless hours riding up and down the street outside my house until I had mastered the Art of No Hands and I felt like a bawss. I'm also pretty sure I gave my mom quite a few heart attacks...did I mention I never wore a helmet either? 

I remember making some seriously capital-A awesome blanket forts back in the day with all my siblings. #momentofsilence And all the games we played in the fort: house, boat, pirates, spies, adventurers...

I remember painting my nails bright red one day and thinking I was so grown-up because only grown-up women wore bright red nail polish. And I remember showing my next-door neighbor, Dakota, who was a year older than me, and asking him if he thought I looked super grown up and he told me that yes, he thought I did. And I felt like quite the lady.

Kids are awesome.  I'm reminded every day by the two (sometimes four) children I nanny that it's okay to act on imagination, it's okay to be daring, it's okay to build forts and play "pretend" and it's okay to want to be a grown-up sometimes too....a grown-up who runs around and pops bubbles that is. ;) 

Happy truth: I don't have to stop being a kid.

.....so who wants to build a fort with me and play house? #totallyserious